Finding Healthy Love After Years of Toxic Cycles

For years, I found myself trapped in toxic relationship patterns, giving my heart to men who couldn’t see or appreciate my worth. I was stuck in a cycle of over-giving and under-receiving, pouring my energy into relationships that drained me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I didn’t know how to break free.

I’ve talked a lot about breaking free from toxic cycles, especially in relationships, because it is something I have struggled with immensely over the years. If you’re like me and you can’t seem to let go of your familiar patterns, Breaking Free: Ending the Cycle of Toxic Relationships, Breaking Free: A Learning Lesson on Overcoming Toxic Cycles, and Breaking the Cycle: Choosing Yourself Over Unavailable Relationships may help you in ways that it helped me.

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When I met him in October, I wasn’t ready for what he had to offer. My heart was still healing, and I couldn’t fully see him yet. I told him I needed time, that I wanted to take things slow. I asked for flowers on our first date—but I also asked for space. He respected both. Months passed, and I forgot about the conversation entirely. Then, two months to the day, he walked into the room where I was.

It was no coincidence.

The Role of Healing

Finding healthy love after toxic relationships starts with healing. It means stepping back, looking inward, and letting go of the patterns that kept you bound to unhealthy dynamics. For me, that looked like turning my focus to God, journaling my emotions, and re-learning how to prioritize my needs. It wasn’t easy to face my brokenness, but I knew I needed to heal before I could truly let love in.

When this man re-entered my life, I was in a much better place. I had learned to stop looking for validation from others and to see my own worth instead. That shift in perspective allowed me to recognize the kind of love I had been praying for—one that was healthy, intentional, and grounded in respect.

If you’re on your own journey of healing, I highly recommend the book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by Dr. John Van Epp. It offers practical insights into building healthy relationships and recognizing red and green flags early on.

For a faith-based perspective, The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas provides wisdom on aligning your relationships with God’s purpose.

Recognizing Healthy Love

Healthy love doesn’t feel like the chaos I was used to. It doesn’t keep you guessing or leave you doubting your place in someone’s life. Instead, it feels calm and steady, like a safe harbor after a storm.

On our first date, he brought me a bouquet of red roses, just as I had mentioned months earlier. It was such a small gesture, yet it spoke volumes. He remembered. He cared. He was paying attention. For someone like me—who had spent years being overlooked and undervalued—it felt like a breath of fresh air.

Healthy love respects your boundaries. It waits for you to be ready. It doesn’t rush you or make you feel like you have to be someone you’re not. He’s shown me that love doesn’t have to be complicated or painful. It can be simple, kind, and gentle.

If you’re navigating the complexities of love and healing, the Therapy Chat podcast hosted by Laura Reagan is an excellent resource for understanding relationships, boundaries, and self-worth. Another great listen is Heart of Dating by Kait Warman, which explores how to approach dating with faith and intention.

Trusting God’s Timing

I used to pray for clarity, asking God to remove anyone from my life who wasn’t meant to be there. With him, I received sign after sign, green flag after green flag. It became clear that this was different—that he was different.

God’s timing isn’t always easy to understand, but it’s always perfect. I wasn’t ready for him when we first met, but God knew I needed time to heal. When the moment was right, he re-entered my life in a way that felt serendipitous.

For guidance on trusting God’s timing and embracing His plan, I recommend listening to the Made For This podcast by Jennie Allen. It’s full of wisdom and encouragement for walking in faith, even during seasons of uncertainty.

Moving Forward

It’s still a learning process. Opening your heart to healthy love after years of toxicity can feel vulnerable and unfamiliar. There are moments when fear creeps in, whispering doubts and telling me to run. But I’m learning to stay—to trust that this love is something to be celebrated, not sabotaged.

If you’re in a similar place, trying to break free from toxic cycles and open your heart to something new, know this: Healthy love exists, but it starts with you. It starts with recognizing your worth, setting boundaries, and doing the hard work of healing.

When the right person comes along, you won’t have to force it. They’ll see your value without you having to prove it. They’ll respect your journey and walk alongside you at your pace. And when you’re ready, they’ll be there, bouquet in hand, showing you what love is supposed to feel like.

Trust in the timing. Trust in yourself. And most importantly, trust in God’s plan for your heart.

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