By My Side – Discovering God

The first time I truly felt God’s presence in my life was during my first Kairos. That weekend made me realize that God had been with me since the beginning, and he was patient and forgiving. Throughout my life, I chose to follow a path filled with boys who took advantage of me, friends who did not value me, and drugs and alcohol that numbed the pain. Despite this, God waited for me. I had to discover Him when I was finally ready, but once I did, it did not last. My Jesus high ended almost immediately after Kairos because my parents were not a part of this journey. I felt so powerless and discouraged that I lost my Faith once again, but I wanted a relationship with God, so one night when I was trying to make sense of my life, I tried talking to Him. I wanted Him to tell me what to do, and I asked Him how I would know when He was trying to talk to me. I asked Him to show me a sign, anything to know that all of this heartache would be worth it in the end and that I would be happy.

The next morning, a recommendation on youtube popped up on my phone. It was the song “Walk by Faith” by Jeremy Camp. When I listened to the song, I knew that God was answering my prayer when I heard, “your hand will guide my every way” and “will I receive the words you say.” I was overcome with emotion. He actually listened to me and understood that I had no idea where my life was taking me, but that did not matter because God was on my side through it all.

Despite this, I still struggled to follow Him. I tried talking to Him like a friend, but sometimes it was hard. I was embarrassed of my mistakes because I could not forgive myself for them, so how could I expect someone else to? I struggled to comprehend His love, so I pushed Him away, just like I pushed everyone else away. I did not try to develop a real relationship with God because I hated being vulnerable with people, and with Him, I had to be vulnerable. I couldn’t have a great relationship with Him without changing the way I treated my other relationships, and I couldn’t change those without learning to forgive my parents for their lack of emotional support as I grew up. I knew that I could no longer be afraid. I had to tell them that I wanted to choose my own path. I could no longer allow them to influence my life decisions.

Not long after this, my friend Liam died, and I was at the lowest point in my life. I was so broken that I became numb and once again, my relationship with God seemed impossible. I no longer felt God’s presence in my life, but I tried to find comfort in knowing that Liam was in a better place even though it was hard. He was such an amazing person with so much love to give, so I could not understand why he was gone. My mom saw how badly I was suffering and sent me to therapy where I learned to work through my hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. I forgave myself for all of the mistakes I had made. I forgave my parents for not knowing my needs, and I realized that God needed Liam more than we do. After this, I started praying often because not only was my friend in a place that I could not visibly see but so was God. Just because I could not see them, doesn’t mean they weren’t there. By doing this, I thought I had accepted God’s love completely, but then I started college, and I pursued the major that my parents wanted me to pursue because I was so scared to disappoint them.

During my first semester of college, I completely lost my Faith. I was so depressed that I brought those around me down. I skipped so many things because I felt so lost in this new environment. Then I went home for Christmas break and something changed. My little sister asked me to go to Church with her, and it reminded me of my Faith, and I missed it. I took it for granted in high school. I forgot how easily accessible confession, mass, and so much more were, so I finally decided to go to confession. Afterwards, I felt a weight lift off of me. I was so content and happy that I finally decided to be better and to put myself first. It no longer mattered what my parents wanted me to do because it is my life, and with God by my side, anything was possible, so after months of suffering and learning to be something that I did not want to be, I decided to change my major to something that I enjoyed, and I had the realization once again that God was there throughout my journey. I no longer felt like I had to be something that I am not. My mental health has suffered tremendously my entire life, but the day that I decided to put God first, and with his guidance, choose my own path is the day that my life changed for the better.

I will always love my parents, but they were draining me, and I could not be stuck living the life they envisioned for me any longer. It is honestly the best decision I have ever made. I now have friends who support and love me. I do not try to push them away. I no longer isolate myself. I am open to new things because I have finally forgiven my parents for not loving me the way that I need to be loved.

Doing this has made me stronger in ways I cannot even express. I used to bottle up my feelings until I exploded, but now, I face everything. I do not run away from my problems. Instead, I turn to God to help me solve them, and now I am happier than I have ever been. Despite this, I still hope that my parents support me in whatever I decide to do, but I no longer feel guilty if they don’t because I know that God is on my side, and He will accept me no matter what. This realization taught me that being proud of myself is more important and more fulfilling than anyone else being proud of me, and this helped my relationship with God tremendously. Yes, it is so much harder now that I am in college, but it is possible because I finally believe everything that I was taught about God. I have to put in more effort to have a relationship with Him, but the feeling of being in God’s presence is so worth it.

It took me a long time to finally let God love me, and when I did, I finally understood that it was the feeling of His love that I have been searching for my entire life. I truly began to discover God and the ways he was working to better me. I realized that He was with me every step of the way. Even when I did not feel Him, even when I pushed Him away, even when I hurt Him, He was right by my side.

- Authentically, AB

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