Breaking the Cycle: Choosing Yourself Over Unavailable Relationships

For so much of my life, I considered myself to be single. Technically, I was. But when I look back, I realize I spent the majority of my time entertaining the same type of men—just with different faces. I was never truly single because I was caught in a cycle of thinking about the men in my life instead of focusing on me. This realization was a turning point in my emotional growth. It made me see how much time and energy I had invested in people who weren’t truly invested in me, and it forced me to confront the ways I had been neglecting my own needs and dreams. Understanding this allowed me to start prioritizing myself and recognize that true fulfillment comes from within, not from external validation.

I’ve only had one period where I was fully single and committed to myself. I’m aiming to return to that mindset now. This time, I want to pour completely into myself instead of spreading myself thin, trying to fix or change the men in my life. I’ve spent too long pursuing men who offered nothing but the opportunity to help them. But here’s the thing: I should have the urge to pursue myself—to help myself the way I’ve tried so hard to help others.

This pattern wasn’t random. It came from a place of lacking—a deep need for validation, security, and self-worth that I had hoped to find in others. Over time, I realized that these needs couldn’t be met externally. They were rooted in a void within myself that only self-love and intentional healing could fill. For years, I chased after avoidant, unavailable men because it felt familiar and, on some level, validated my worth. But what I’ve come to understand is this: I must love myself the way I so desperately want to love others.

The Hard Truth About Patterns

Realizing that we’re the common denominator in our struggles can be painful, but it’s also liberating. I used to think the problem was the men I chose, but the deeper issue was my belief that I had to earn love—that if I worked hard enough, I could fix someone and prove my worth in the process. It was never about them; it was about me.

I remember one particular moment of clarity when I was journaling late at night. I wrote down every time I had overextended myself in a relationship and compared it to how little effort was reciprocated. Seeing it on paper made it undeniable. I wasn’t being “too much”; I was giving to the wrong people.

For more insights on breaking unhealthy patterns, check out my post, Breaking Free: Ending the Cycle of Toxic Relationships. It explores recognizing and overcoming these cycles, offering actionable steps to reclaim your power.

Healing begins when we stop looking outward for the love and validation we need to cultivate within. For me, this looked like journaling every morning to identify what I truly wanted and needed. I started affirming my worth through daily affirmations and taking intentional steps to celebrate my wins, no matter how small they seemed. By doing this, I realized that the validation I had been seeking from others was something I could give to myself all along. The urge to fix, chase, and pour into others stems from a lack of pouring into ourselves. We chase external love when we’re not giving it to ourselves in the ways we need most.

Turning Inward

When I made the conscious decision to stop chasing unavailable men, I felt a mix of freedom and fear. I had been so accustomed to filling my time and energy with someone else’s problems that I didn’t know what to do with myself. But that’s where the magic began.

Instead of trying to fix others, I started asking myself the hard questions:

• What am I running from?
• What do I need to heal within myself?
• How can I show up for me the way I’ve shown up for others?

The answers weren’t always easy to hear, but they were necessary. I realized I had neglected my own growth, dreams, and well-being because I was too busy trying to earn someone else’s love. Now, I’m focusing on giving that love to myself.

During this time, I started picking up hobbies I’d abandoned, like reading and painting. Reading allowed me to escape into different worlds and gain new perspectives, helping me understand myself better. Painting became a form of meditation, a way to express emotions I didn’t always have words for. I remember one afternoon when I painted for hours, losing track of time. By the end of it, I felt a sense of calm and accomplishment that I hadn’t experienced in a long while. These hobbies became small but significant steps in rebuilding my connection with myself. I started doing yoga again, not to impress anyone, but because it made me feel good. I spent weekends exploring with my girlfriends and treating myself to solo coffee dates. These small acts reminded me that I am capable of creating my own joy.

For additional strategies on breaking avoidance and building a life of fulfillment, read my post, Breaking the Cycle of Avoidance: The Journey to Freedom.

How to Break the Cycle and Choose Yourself

If you’ve found yourself in a similar cycle, here’s what has helped me:

1. Set Boundaries: Stop giving unlimited access to people who drain your energy. Learn to say no to relationships that don’t serve you.
2. Pour Into Yourself: Take the time to discover what makes you happy. Invest in your passions, hobbies, and goals. You deserve to be the main character in your own life.
3. Address the Root Cause: Healing requires looking inward. Whether it’s through therapy, journaling, or self-reflection, get to the root of why you’ve been drawn to unhealthy patterns.
4. Prioritize Self-Love: Treat yourself the way you’ve treated the people you’ve loved most. Be kind, patient, and forgiving with yourself.
5. Commit to Change: Breaking patterns takes time, but it’s worth it. Commit to doing the work, even when it feels uncomfortable or lonely.

For a deeper perspective on finding strength through faith and identity, explore Finding Your Identity in Christ.

Empower Yourself Through Self-Love

Choosing yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. When we stop chasing the love we think we need from others, we create space to discover the love we already have within. The journey won’t always be easy, but it will be transformative.

You don’t need to fix anyone else to prove your worth. You are enough as you are. Pour into yourself, prioritize your healing, and watch how your world begins to shift. The love you’ve been searching for has been within you all along.

Remember, healing isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel on top of the world, and other days you’ll feel tempted to fall back into old habits. I recall one particularly challenging day when I felt overwhelmed with self-doubt and old insecurities creeping back in. Instead of spiraling, I decided to take a walk in the park with my journal. Writing down my feelings helped me recognize the progress I had made, even if it didn’t feel like much in that moment. By the end of the walk, I felt a sense of clarity and renewed commitment to myself. It’s moments like these that remind me healing isn’t about perfection—it’s about persistence. Be gentle with yourself. Progress is still progress, no matter how small. You’re worth the effort—always.

Explore More on Healing and Personal Growth

Verywell Mind: Self-Healing Techniques for a Happier and Healthier Mind